First off: going outside the marriage will make everything worse. The situation with your husband may be bad, but if you start having a relationship with another man, you will significantly worsen things.

Besides: this guy is making advances to you when (I assume) he knows you're married? What kind of man does that? That's not a principaled stance. That's dishonest. You can't have a relationship based on dishonesty. And he's married. How can you be so inconsiderate of his wife?

You are messing up your life with adultery. Do not go there. I know that you're emotionally needy. But letting the neediness drive your decisions and blind you to the obvious consequences will screw up your life.

If you want people in your life to be trustworthy, how can you turn around and be untrustworthy by betraying people? How would you feel if you were the husband, or your lover's wife?

I know things are messy. I think you should phone up a crisis pregnancy centre (often under "abortion alternative" in the Yellow Pages"). Make an appointment. They will help you with other options. They will be someone to lean on in this time of need. Being pregnant and so messed up is so lonely. You need help. I know you don't want that abortion. You need support to pull you through.

Just my two cents.

First of all, I'm sorry your husband does not treat you well. As I'm sure you all too well know, a drug addiction can become controlling of his life and can have a negative impact on yours as well. It sounds like he needs to make some important decisions too, regarding his priorities. I can give you some referral and treatment information on drug addiction, if you're interested. Is there anyway you can take a break from him, take a separation, to sort out your thoughts and priorities (your well being first of all, should be the first priority)? Do you have somewhere where you can go and stay for a while, with a friend or a relative?

Regarding the affair, I'm not going to scold you or shame you. However I wish to gently caution you on affairs with a married man because it often leads to nothing but heartache. While I disagree with most of what the previous commentator had to say, I do agree with him that your significant other is being dishonest with his wife. Hon, dishonesty, lying, and cheating are not good traits in a man. If he's being dishonest on something this serious with his wife, how long do you think it will be until he'll be dishonest on something important with you? And he may be treating you like a princess right now, but what do you think will happen if it comes down to choosing between you and his wife? Most married men will promise to leave their wives, but when it comes down to it, as most women who've been in this situation will tell you, they stay in the marriage and play you and their wife. If you want a prince who treats you right, and they are out there, I encourage you to get your marriage in order first and then start dating.

But first and foremost, independently from the marriage issue, a decision needs to be made about this pregnancy. From the above, I'm hearing that you were eager to get the abortion done and over with. Have you given yourself enough time to think this through and process your feelings? It's important to be true to yourself and listen to your heart. I believe you're a strong a capable woman and could raise this child, if it came down to it. Any man worth having will have accepted you as you are. Also, it sounds like you've got some benefits having already been an adult, such an established job or career. I've created a list of a variety of pregnancy resources at my blog, which can be found here
Best Wishes,
Rachael C.

Thanks for the good advice. I have been seriously considering a separation for a short time. My husband is the type who doesn't believe fire is hot unless he touches it if you know what I mean. I think that leaving him for a period of time might send him a clear message and help me to get my thoughts in order.

You're welcome. Please keep us updated on how you're doing and let me know if there's anything I can do for you.

i understand your marriage has disappointed you and you feel he's not meeting your needs. it's frustrating, even miserable..... if you want your needs met, the only way to do it is by making yourself into into the best woman you can be; you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than an abortion or an affair!! I can guarantee once these are over you will be completely miserable.... which of course you don't want..
Just think, what kind of woman says to her child (which you have seen, i assume, on the ultrasound), "I want the best for you. I care for you even though this timing is not of my choosing.... what great things await for us together! I am a strong woman. I can not be vicitmized by my own child...I am better than that. You, my child, are worth it. I am brave, and will give you life no matter what. I cannot wait to meet you and hold your face in my hands." The kind of woman you are, that's who! Do not let yourself be deceived by throwing away the true love of your life, the one already growing inside you.
I have been though some tough pregnancies.... my husband is a good man but our marriage has been so stressful and stormy at times I had started to wonder. I had found out I was pregnant just after my hubby lost his job (aagin), we had no savings or health insurance, two small children we could hardly handle already, a house way too small, and I had dropped out of college. But oh, making the decision to love this child, who is now nearly two, was the best choice of my life. She is sunshine. Love is such a powerful force in your life....why choose death and sin instead? What happiness or good could possibly come of it? Loss of money, marital spats....those are temporary things, they will eventually pass, but only if you make the right choices!
Take care of yourself. You have so much potential.

Thank you so much for your supportive comments. I have decided against abortion and have an appointment with an OB Monday May 5.

Pot addiction?! Are you sure it's an addiction. You know I've known people who have been addicted to meth and crack and heroin, but never pot. Are you sure now? Just because someone uses a drug (and you might not like it) doesn't mean it's an addiction. Addiction is a psychological illness and it takes a whole lot more than simply using a drug for someone to be addicted. My husband works with drug addicts as a former addict, and frankly someone taken it for pot addiction would be laughed at (because pot isn't considered an addictive drug, unless you listen to government propaganda.) Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to belittle the problem, but calling someone a pot addict only belittles real addiction problems. It just sounds like your husband is smoking pot because he's unhappy about something, as you are also, I'm guessing. check this out (http://www.ccguide.org.uk/psychological-dependence.php).

I feel sorry for you about your pregnancy. It really sounds like you don't want to be with your husband, having kids with someone who you don't want to be with and who is abusive, is, well, it should never happen. Seriously, hope it all works out for you. Again, sorry you are going through this right now. Although trust me, the kid is not going to make things any better, if anything it will either bring you guys closer together, or it will make him more abusive and then leaving him will be even harder, esp. with the kid and all. Keep in mind, if you do bring a kid into this world, that it's also going to be your responsibility to get this child away if your husband is in fact still being abusive to you...you don't want that reflecting back on your baby. Sorry my advice isn't all flowers and puppy dogs. I know in a situation like this, all the good wishes in the world won't make it better. And it sounds like some serious stuff going on.

This is addressed to elegantease in response to the above comment:

Pot addiction?! Are you sure it's an addiction. You know I've known people who have been addicted to meth and crack and heroin, but never pot.

Should this persons personal antecodotes determine your situation?

Are you sure now? Just because someone uses a drug (and you might not like it) doesn't mean it's an addiction. Addiction is a psychological illness and it takes a whole lot more than simply using a drug for someone to be addicted. My husband works with drug addicts as a former addict, and frankly someone taken it for pot addiction would be laughed at (because pot isn't considered an addictive drug, unless you listen to government propaganda.)

I don't think I addressed this in my intial comment above.

Cannabis-related disorders, including Abuse and Dependence, are listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition, Text Revision, also known as DSM-IV-TR, a manual published by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) which includes all currently recognized mental health disorders.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DSM-IV_Codes
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DSM_IV

But only you and a professional counselor can determine if your husband has a substance abuse problem. In the meanwhile, here is a quiz created by medical professionals, asking some sensitive questions to help you determine if your husbands marijuana use is becoming problem:
http://www.drugfree.org/Intervention/Quiz/Family_DAST

A study [1] published in The Lancet on 24 March 2007 was twenty drugs were assigned a risk from zero to three. Dr. David Nutt et al. asked medical, scientific and legal experts to rate 20 different drugs on nine parameters:

Physical harm (Acute, Chronic, and Intravenous harm)
Dependence (Intensity of pleasure, Psychological dependence, Physical dependence)
Social harms (Intoxication, Other social harms, Health-care costs)

Cannabis was ranked seventeenth of twenty for mean physical harm score and eleventh for mean dependence score. Not shown is the mean social harm score, which rated ninth, in a tie with Amphetamine.

1) ^ Nutt D, King LA, Saulsbury W, Blakemore C (2007). "Development of a rational scale to assess the harm of drugs of potential misuse". Lancet 369 (9566): 1047-53. doi:10.1016/S0140-6736(07)60464-4. PMID 17382831.

As cited in the article: Cannabis
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannabis_(drug)

Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to belittle the problem, but calling someone a pot addict only belittles real addiction problems. It just sounds like your husband is smoking pot because he's unhappy about something, as you are also, I'm guessing. check this out (http://www.ccguide.org.uk/psychological-dependence.php).

The above website they referred you to is a biased political advocacy website and bears no medical authority. Instead, for accurate information on any medical topic, I recommend independent professional medical sources, such as the American Psychological Association, American Medical Association, or WebMD. They may be onto something, though. Perhaps marriage counseling with a professional counselor may not be a bad idea.

Continued...

I feel sorry for you about your pregnancy. It really sounds like you don't want to be with your husband, having kids with someone who you don't want to be with and who is abusive, is, well, it should never happen.

A bad situation can be made into a better situation depending on your willingness and ability to take action and make changes. And it sure isn't easy in your situation, I'll be real with you on that. But it sounds like you're on the right track now. As for their last comment, well it was judgemental and it's your decision, not theirs and it sounds like you've made your decision and they need to respect that.

Seriously, hope it all works out for you. Again, sorry you are going through this right now. Although trust me, the kid is not going to make things any better, if anything it will either bring you guys closer together, or it will make him more abusive and then leaving him will be even harder, esp. with the kid and all. Keep in mind, if you do bring a kid into this world, that it's also going to be your responsibility to get this child away if your husband is in fact still being abusive to you...you don't want that reflecting back on your baby. Sorry my advice isn't all flowers and puppy dogs. I know in a situation like this, all the good wishes in the world won't make it better. And it sounds like some serious stuff going on.

I do agree that having the kid to improve your marriage isn't going to make things better because having a child brings about stress. Like they said, it will bring you closer or drive you apart. But one thing is for sure is, if he is abusive, this pregnancy is all the more reason to get away from him. And I can direct you to resources, including domestic violence shelters, for breaking away from abusive relationships. But don't let the decision hing on what your husband is or isn't going to do or is promising to do, because this is about you and your baby's wellbeing.